People aren’t asking me questions anymore. Before we left, I felt like Sean Spicer trying to respond to incessant questions I couldn’t possibly know the answers to.
Them: “Hi Jake, this is friend, reporting from work. Where you going to be on June 17th?”
Me: “It’s far too early to know that.”
Them: “I have a follow up question: don’t you think it’s a good idea to have a plan?”
Me: “Look, friend from work, sometimes there’s a plan, sometimes there isn’t.”
Them: “Hi Jake, this is Random Someone, reporting from bumped into and heard about your travels. Are you going to go to this specific city somewhere in a Balkan country?”
Me: “I’d love to. Maybe, I mean, that would be great. We’ll have to see how things pan out.”
Them: “I also have a follow up question: why don’t you know? You don’t wanna miss out on all that beautiful countryside.”
Me: “I wish I kn–I mean, I’m sure it’s beautiful but–look, acquaintance, I wish I knew everything, but I don’t know everything. I don’t have the capacity to know where I’ll be and when I’ll be there. That’s a gotcha question.”
And so it went. Lots of questions, lots of BS answers. I never really traveled before and I had only my guesses and Danielle’s sunshiny demeanor to navigate me. However, it did finally occur to me that out of all the numerous inquiries, NOT EVEN ONE PERSON asked me how to take selfies. Sure, they asked me if I was going to take pictures and if I bought a selfie stick–whatever that is.
I’m not a photo expert (I think they’re called “photographers” today, b t dubs), and I understand people might be dubious of my inexperienced photo efficiency, but regardlessly irregardless, I thought I should grace you all with a super good tutorial. Goal of this tutorial: Try to help all those boring people out there who try to get other people to do their selfies to learn the proper etiquette of selfies and empower them to perform selfies themselves and don’t let someone else do it for you. See? Simple!
Jumping right in, Step Ein! The first thing you should do is make sure you can’t see the reflection of you taking the photo. Easy step, really.
Nailed hit! Ha ha! Step Duo! Next, you have to either be smiling or make a funny face. Personally, I’m a fan of doing both at once. And that explains our faces. You should probably be taking notes if you’re not already.
Step three! Here is an important key: there needs to be a noticeably iconic structure in the background for depth and hinting at your locale. Don’t just post “Hey we’re in a specific location” if your picture is just of you and a blank wall.
Step D! Try to get that wind blown look. HAWT. Don’t forget: Breezy = Easy.
Step…5? Ok, if you weren’t paying attention, better snap to it! Crucial PSA: Everyone needs to be ready for the photo.
Just in case you didn’t follow, I’m going to use another example:
Moving on! Step Sixer! Look into the sun and utilize natural lighting. Bonus: make sure everyone’s properly centered.
Numero seveno! Act like someone else is taking the photo (even though everyone knows it’s you, you sneaky ba#$%rd).
Mission Tom Cruise Impossible Accomplished! Now you all must feel super confident and no longer need someone else to perform your selfies.
Sincerely, guy who is not a photo expert.